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A child stands in court before a judge. His parents are divorcing and the judge is asking him which parent he would like to live with. "Would you like to live with your mother?" the judge asks. "No! she beats me every night i dont want to live with her!". So the judge says "Ok, you can go live with your dad then." the child replies "No! he beats me every night as well! i dont want to live with him!" and the judge replies "Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
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The man said, "My dog watches all the Maple Leafs games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cried his eyes out." His friend says, "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?" The man replied, "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens."
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One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Ottawa and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."
Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Ottawa native,
"Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"
The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Ottawa. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:
"The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
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Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" hecontinued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan."What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.
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What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
- They both look good until they hit the ice.
Do you know how many leafs it takes to win the Stanley Cup?
- No? Me neither.
Why is the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto?
- It's the only way the Stanley Cup will ever be in Toronto.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
- Because the Canadiens have all the cups.
Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
- The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.
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Pat Quinn took $100 million worth of hockey players to the Olympics and in just two weeks turned them into the Toronto Maple Leafs.
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WHY PLAYOFF HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
2. The puck is always hard.
3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full hour.
5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you score.
7. Periods only last 20 minutes.
8. You can count on it at least twice a week.
9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
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